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Virginia Poet


Internet Poetry Zine, Richmond, VA

Introverted intuitive feeling and perceiving gone wild

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APRIL 2010
 National Poetry Month
index revised: things I didn't write (2001)  

sponsored by Stargrate Brand Knob Wax
When you really want bright knobs

(Interactive research material for people who have never
written a poem and maybe shouldn't: the links will take you something
similar that I did write.)

 Things you or I may or may not write about this year include:

TV: Spit-bowl of the snail gods
        Craprica- "We're all going to change"
        Apotheosis "Dolts to Gods"
        Lord of the sweaty wads, spiral of the down-wad path
        How to turn congealed brain waste into pesto
        Why the 50's shows are still super irrelevant
        Why talking fast will make you feel important
        Infinity and the Trek Left behind in the Beyond
        Cartoons and the Isolated Uber Dweeb
        Disney couldn't draw but he built good hotels
        The 2012 Hopi changy thingy
        And now a word from Knob Wax...
        Look what that frak wad did to my knobs
        On our way to a star dot bar grill pub *._
        Dueling Blast-berries with mother of pearl handles
        Self-importance the hard way
Poetry: The art of spiritual cavity-search
               The art of not writing FOR anybody
               The art of Saturday cartoons for adults... oh wait,
                    adults still watch Saturday cartoons all week long.
               The art of deflecting soporific influences
               The art of getting past "Dullen" Thomas
               The art of pub crawling villanelles on cocktail napkins
               The art of getting your wad's worth
               The art of developing your Longfellow
               The art of resurrecting the drop-dead boring
               The art of astral garage parking (ticket validation)
               The art of exploring America's failure to thrive
               The art of birthdeathsexreligionpoliticsmoney...
               The art of illuminating your non-self-importance   

The Internet: Invisible ink
                         Whirls of strangeness in the cyber rubble
                         Why dolts make good cyber-heroes
                         Infinity for the homebound
                         "Sloppy Searches" for dolts
                         Bing til you boing
                         Proving the deeply weird next to impossible
                         Distributing Knob Wax, made EZ
                         Plight of the "Feeling-Lucky" junkies
                         Not your Avg hoarders on Smoky Weed Rd.
                         Frog quashing made simple even a schoolboy...
                         The non-stick surface of humanity
                         Places where anyone can be self-Important

Thunder and Music: How to name new bands e.g.
                                       Bean Soup for the Soul
                                       Want Chianti with that?
                                       Barrage Band
                                       Gen Droppings
                                       Luke Warming and the Sky Nukes
                                       Black and Blue Checkered Past
                                       Dumpster Dwelleth
                                       Pukki & The Pod Loads
                                       Knob Wax College Dropouts
                                       Bing Bot and the Botlets
                                       Fast Talk and the Frakers
                                       Live Loose and Guzzle
                                       Fric Wad and the Frakers
                                       Knobby and the Knee Jerks
                                       Squeeze My Phasor
                                       No Self Importance

Music Theory: One note stand
                            Hiding your light in a saxophone
                            Polishing scales in devil's mode (Locrian)
                            Woodshed moment, woodpile desire
                            Help, I'm playing flat and I can't lip up
                            So, how's your Sax Life?
                            Composition goes hand in hand
                            Slick Trails in the Sunset
                            Slimy Trails to you Until We Meet Again
                            Tell it like it's Dmitri's Ninth
                            Adore Händel
                            Music therapy, is that like psycho-drama?
                            Developing your inner sax quash alert  
                            Finger foods, monopod hors d'oeuvres wet
                               pallets from across the room like eating
                               lemons in front of trumpet players

                            He's flat Jim

Visual Arts: Doodling your date on a cocktail napkin
                       Pretending to live in a garret
                       Preserving the "struggle" in your work
                       Choosing a direction
                       Killing your babies
                       Culture, instinct and the universal idea
                       Clouds in your coffee
                       Overcoming beret wearing affectations
                       Realizing the unimportance of a totally selfish act
                       Painting with toothpaste and jam

Porno: Shleemax After Dark (a spiraling saga of flesh)
               She sat shucking snail shells on the sea floor
               My wax is hotter than your girlfriend's, she snarled
               I quashed the saxman, but I did not flash the flautist too
               Que-que? No mas tangos-para-tres en plantas slick
               Typical, pissing in the tavern, crying in the jail. Well
               Margarita's a cool drink, but she needs a boss wrangler
               So, there you sat, stroking your inner dweeb
               Ah, t'is more blessed to write than to weep and
               More importantly your cactus will bear sweet fruit
               The frak does that mean?

Cluster Frak: They were worse off BEFORE the disaster
                           Fast talk in the face of adversity
                           Handwriting analogies about reading the wall
                           Too poor to fail, too hoarse to wail
                           Solomon couldn't read but he built nice temples
                           Slinky lips sink ships, don't cha know
                           Cracked China Policy they insinuated...
                           Chairman Dung's, "What's so bad about that?"
                           Red sky at sunset, snailor beware...
                           Toilets without borders (that ain't rain)
                           Hoarders without weed

                           My, how tragedy improves with

Failure to Thrive: Too oily to fail
                                 Too slimy to fail
                                 Too molecular thin filmed to fail
                                 Too top skimming to fail
                                 Too one-hand-washes-the-other to fail
                                 Too tax cream cheesy to fail
                                 Too long chain molecule to fail
                                 Too deep river fish kill to fail
                                 Too snail slick gulf choked to fail
                                 Too Hitler's birthday snoring to wake up 
                                 Too late for another Michael Moore movie
                                   where individual self-importance is rendered

Zero Gravity: Legs, can't orbit with em, can't leave earth
                                without em.
                         Pinwheel sex, centripetal frak
                         Totally tango skills required
                         The importance of remaining zero
                         Docking maneuvers we'll never forget
                         My mile posts are getting rickety
                         Everything sticks together in space
                         Just change the gravitational constant
                         By the time I get to Phloston I'll be soaking
                         Pulling your leg, It's beyond important

Ten Ways:
To write plot lines in your virtual bathtub
                     To earn drool cup rewards online
                     To attain nano-punk status online
                     To personalize your sex-bot online
                     To combine words with "WAD" effectively
                     To improve your deep sea bot-o-Bing 
                     To be one foot flatter than a floosie
                     To impress the sax player in the band
                     To diet using Slimakteca frige mag insults
                     To take leave of your self-importance

Science Fiction: "I'm not the ONE, but I stayed at a Quality... "
                               "Gosh, wow, golly frak..."
                               "We're gonna quaaaaash..."
                               "Up ahead, there's a line, I predict
                                        you're gonna cross it."
                                I have a bleem
You canno’ change the laws of physics"

                                By the time we get to Phloston we'll be
                                   smoking the bong I bought on Bing
                                The import of Sci-fi is not the science but the
                                       luster of it's shiny, non-stick surfaces
                                 Not so nouveau empire, strides backless
                                 It's too Capricorn to fail
Religion: Tell me about the Rabbis George
                  Ammonites, the fossil record
                  Hymns for the saxophone 
                  Spirituality and the six-pack shopper
                  Dialing for souls, bobbing for bucks
                  Give me that on-screen religion
                  Church of the Holy Moose Lodge (true story)
                  Pages ripped from the sticky hymnals of
                       the balcony section
                  Forsaking the religion of self-importance
                  Did I say camel?

Global Warming: I'm not the one not listening.
                                 Don't be fooled by cheap smudge wipes
                                 Knob Wax is GREEN (purple actually)
                                 "We're all going to change, aren't we?"
                                 By switching your knob wax...
                                 Everyone can make a difference
                                 Set Lasers on fun not pilots
                                 Live long and melt
                                 Phloston, Phloston, next stop...

Sex: The raw nerve endings of perpetuity
          One @-a-boy, two atavistic man-cave hi-fivers 
          Humanity's largest Vaseline pit-crew
          Slipping farther, the truth about pimples
          Butterflies are a warning
          I am your father (heavy breathing divisiveness)
          Love means never having to say goodnight
          How to think beneath yourself  
          I left my heart in the bed behind
          He did but she didn't fraking want to
          Less Napoleonic, more naughty neglie
          "Lowering Self-Importance", For Dolts

Nostalgia: When hot wax was a pepper, not foreplay
                    I remember growing up with Knob Wax
                    If you have the floor, own it, don't mop it
                    I dreamed I went to the prom in my Klondike
                        dance hall costume.
                    Learning to play "Let's All Meet at da Crawdad Hole"

Death: It’s worse than that, he’s dead Jim
              There is another
              Too gangrene to fail   
              May the floss be with you
              The heartbreak of non-stick-to-it-iveness
              If I can't squeeze my phasor...
              Your jokes are lost on him
              Knob Wax wants you to know...
              Scorpios are too deadly to die
              Like walking in your undertude

Alcohol: Drink deep and die well
                 Your wagon will be here in 5 minutes, Sir...
                 It's early padded cell design
                 There's something in the wine
                 Just two drinks and we're on our way
                  Your saxophone stinks
                  I just waxed it
                  Let's go over to Urda's Well, Frigga's place...
                  Frak this place!
                  Alcohol and music are the Devil's napkin 
                  Are you hearing all this? Jim? JIM!

News: The only people who think the world IS serious
             Why the self-important live long and floss
              Horn-sign candor, live long and philander 
              Resurgence of Edwardian Kink has long puzzled...
              Fashion is spinach
              Euro-speak is too modern to fail 
              So, who's the lucky dolt this year?
             This just in, they're too important to prosper

Feel-Good Hunting: What ruined the wiener-roast
                                      What the cop felt
                                      What makes galactic acid?
                                      What kills the thrill of saying
                                              whatever comes over you?
                                      What is bed knobs, bath and behind?
                                      What makes you so fraking important?

Good Luck Hunting: Get the search engines and we'll head em
                                                off @ the pass... Word, kimosabe.
                                        Meanwhile, back @ the franchise
                                        Bright knobs and candlesticks
                                        When the blue of the goo meets the purple...
                                        You can't always get what's important

Tarot Cards: Reading for fun and prophesy
                         If I have a card stuck to my head it's not Tarot
                         Would you like a lap dance with that?
                         You just polished off your last tequila
                         Dealing the Dolt card, advice is sticky
                         Future card - You're gonna pay for dat
                         Fear not, it's never too drunk to fail
                         Others see you as too poetic to make any sense.
                         If you're hoping for change, don't
                         The outcome is icky

Advertising: Live Long and Foster
                        Online banking @ wad-over-ya
                        You know that bailing out is hard to do
                        Yeah but they've got my house!
                        15 minutes of darkness will save you...
                        Bright Knobs make excellent stocking stuffers
                        "Snailing is murder", was scrawled in slime 
                        It's too brass knuckle to fail
                        It's just the importance of being important
Sasquatch Kit: Who's loose in YOUR neighborhood?
                             How to make authentic footprints
                             Using snow to your advantage
                             Who says you have to vandalize?
                             Things to leave behind on porches
                             What's the big honking hairy deal?
                             All it needs is a convincing odor
                             Leave sax quashing to the pros

Magic Molecules: The makers of knob Wax announce
                                  The discovery of Shleemax, the miracle
                                   Ingredient made from snails, brighten
                                  All your knobs with one powerful shine.
                                  Our Ultimate Protection Guarantee
                                  100% Satisfaction Or Money Back!
                                  Too new and improved to fail

War and Rumors:
Like a limestone caveman...
                                  Polishing the brass with Knob Wax
                                  Saxophone marching corps
                                  Maintaining all its buttons
                                  Shock troops quash rebellions
                                  Snail wars, no end in sight
                                  They're making money off dead poets?
                                  Musician bashing, not just for cocktail hour

Fishing for avatars, typical INFP
         Why it is impossible to keep off the grass in other
                      people's heads?
          Paper training isn't enough
          Silence of the breathing helmets
          The cold spoon of perpetuity
          Overcoming the Vulcan hand sign thingy
          Abdominal breathing for Dolts
          Not giving a frak
          The snail goes in and out of her shell
          Life after Knob Wax
          Self-Importance Lost

Delacroix's painting: Jimmy Expiring on the Ruins of Himself

Frak you, frak on me, I mean, frak me when, you know, frak on somebody else and you're the xo and don't know what you're fraking saying... so, go on live,  fork fingered and flustered, a frak wad, brain wasted, sax quashed, Uber horn-blown knob wax polishing idiot...chief of snails, seeker of wild nightlife and....
and Miller moon-girls who dance threesome... but can't help you with your
sci-fi fantasies without falling up in the table for four... green make-up all over the guy in booth 12..." I'm a sax player not a musician", he said and gulped a glass of bright goo the bartender said was a Vegan Mind Mulch. Then twisting around said, "The FRAK be with you..." (makes the horns sign before corkscrewing into the black and blue checkered tile floor)


 see my comments

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Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving gone wild

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